Struggle and worry
I haven't spoken of this, pretty much at all ever. I've always tried to keep the "bad" away from others, you don't need to hear that, why bring others down type of thing. I mean, there was the homelessness stuff brought up in the past (yah I'm not linking to anything in here, this is a depressing post, scroll past if you feel like it), and so on and soforth, but I've never gone into the... struggle. The actual pain I put myself in. Not like physical pain, but... pain. I've described this to one person, and they said they would never have been able to do it.
At my worst. At my most survival, unemployed, applying to a dozen places a day, documenting all applications, attending resume help seminars, attending interview help sessions, and eating only fish stew, back before I even cut fish out of my diet and discovered beans. Back in those days, y'know what I rewarded myself with? What I gave myself as a reward for all of my hard effort. For a week of hard effort, of applications, of sessions, of day in and day out pain, my reward for this was a single sugar candy. A hard candy like a lemon drop. I got one. On weeks when I couldn't handle that, I had two. I don't think I ever had more than two, for those few months.
And I told my friend, it's probably because I was alone, at the time. I didn't have a child that needed more. I could starve myself. Every last penny.
Every last penny. I'm getting tired of telling myself that. Did you know that you can re-use dental floss? Up to about 5 times you can get out of a strand. Rinse it under the water, run your wet hands up and down it a few times, hang it up to dry. Of course you know of my bean soup by now. Dry beans, carbohydrate, frozen vegetables. Every day, three times a day, for years. I still haven't really stopped this. I've upgraded the carbohydrates a bit, tried different noodle types. I'm eating oatmeal and muesli again, that I had cut out years ago. My Abby likes cheese, so despite being vegan, cheese sandwiches. Cheese and onion. 2000 calories (kcal technically). I need the number 2000 inside of me every day. That is the only part that matters. I'm vegan when I can, I'll be vegan more in the future when we can afford to buy more than one block of cheese between the two of us. I don't have readily available access to an oven right now, otherwise bean soup would be more prevelant, and Abby would stick to the cheese, but... soon. Soon I can buy oatmilk (or make it!). Soon, I can make Seitan. I could even buy tofu again one day! I got some as a treat about 6 months ago, that was pretty epic.
About to start into year 11 soon. 2015 to 2025. Bean soup. A sugar candy. How do people even eat candy on a regular basis?!? I guess I never grew up with it much to begin with, is probably a thing too. They don't so much have lemon drops out here in England though, cherry drops are the thing here. And OH MY GOODNESS is food so much less expensive in England! A loaf of bread is 50 pence?!? You're kidding me, the rock-bottom bread in Manitoba was like 2.50! 50 pence for a jar of jam, now this is getting beyond comprehension, that doesn't even make sense. Do I get it often? No... every single penny... but I'm starting to spend a few of those pennies! Heck, look at the Kabucam gallery, I recently bought myself an old childhood toy that was lost over the years! I'm getting the new D&D books!!! This is the first time in a decade that I've spent a 3 digit number on myself, hands down! So slowly... slowly I'm beginning to poke my arm outside of the survival box.
Worry and survival are still rife though. Housing worries, immigration stress (less a worry, I'm absolutely meticulous with my paperwork), work worries (extremely transphobic, racist, and misogynistic workplace, I'm on the lower side of all three of those, easily the most disliked, most abused person at the workplace. And this is the last you'll ever hear of that, because I need to save money, as long as it's not physical assault I honestly don't even care, I won't complain because that could put that employment at risk. So I will survive that ordeal and come out the other side of it). Worries, stress, and survival.
Well, the stomach is gurgling, guess I should eat a cheese sandwich. Maybe have some noodle soup, at least that can be vegan. Mushroom broth (I bought mushroom broth!), noodles. Whatever the least expensive consumable protein there is, without access to an oven. It'll improve.
Once immigration is done. Once work improves (or changes). Then... then I will be able to offically emerge from survival mode. Until then... year 11, I see you right around the corner there. Catch ya in a few weeks. We'll share a sugar candy lol (trust me, this was funny to me lol).
One day soon.
Kabutroid
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Struggle and worry.
Basically all that I've known for for almost 10 years now is struggle and worry.
Abby, and other things here and there have been sources of light of course, sources of love, but the underlying current to everything for almost a decade is struggle. Struggle, worry, and fear.
Awwww...
December 28, 2015, the day I placed myself into survival mode. I've never been able to caLl myself as removed from survival mode since then. Better, at times, worse, at times, but always... survival. One day... one day I will be able to say that I am out of survival mode.
Yeah.
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Comics, ideas, Kabutroid, and other custom content owned by KatieLynne Jackson. I'm pretty easygoing, and really don't mind all that much if you make content based on my content and stuff. Just don't go impersonating me and we're cool.
